Journaling

This Is Me

This is me,

enjoying the shade of a tree in the middle of Cape Town’s winelands.

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For all of you who know me, you know how I love to laugh and be the center of attention at times. I love to present in front of a group (I used to be a yoga instructor) and I love a boisterous and loud time just like many others. But only for so long.

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Because on the other hand, I’m very much an introvert. Moments of solitude are essential for me to be able to come back to myself, to feel grounded again after a stimulating day or time. Without them on the regular, I can feel overwhelmed and distraught quite easily.

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I have a deep inner life. One that I don’t share very often, even with those closest to me. Showing vulnerability is something I still work on daily. I know that revealing true and honest life moments not only opens the door to fuller connections with others, but it unlocks a window into the soul and reveals the humanness behind the facade we present, both in daily life and here on social media. So I try very hard to find that balance of sharing, because connections are very important to me.

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So in that effort, I thought I’d share something with you all today. Not in search of pity or sorrow but to show my “realness” within this online world and to perhaps connect with someone who shares similar situations.

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This photo… It was not staged nor was I posing in any way. I had no idea it was being taken. I was simply taking a break from the loud restaurant where we were having lunch during a wine tram tour and was admiring the beautiful view. My brother @patrickkingphoto just simply knows when to capture a moment. And I’m glad he captured this one.

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You see, no one knows but I was crying in this photo. I was beyond happy to be where I was in South Africa, but there were times when it was a bit overwhelming for the senses. The colors, the sights, the smells, the sounds…

a sensory overload, you might say, but in the best possible way… but, still, I longed to share it with my husband and kids. I was missing them tremendously at this very moment.

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My recent trip to SA was priceless for me. l learned so much about the world, others, and more importantly myself. But I also experienced a deep desire to share it with my husband and kids like I’ve never felt before. Everything I did, everything I saw, everything I felt, I longed to share with them. And I felt sad at times that they weren’t there with me.

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Perhaps it’s silly to cry when surrounded by such beauty and perhaps it’s absurd to feel so alone while in the midst of a bustling restaurant. But I did. So in response to the needs of my introvert self, I stepped outside to gather my thoughts and emotions before rejoining the group on the tram.

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Being a divorced mom with shared custody and now married to a husband who travels most of the year for work, I find myself alone quite a bit. At times the solitude is welcomed, but at others the quiet can be a bit too much. So this is me… trying to navigate both worlds and the emotions that come along with it all. It is a challenge that is completely worth it because I can’t imagine sharing my life with any other. But it is still hard at times.

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This is me… constantly learning and adapting and trying to find that balance in a not-so-balanced world.

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Sweetly,

Sabrie

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“The more I visit gardens and travel, it’s clear that two things happen… one, you start to piece your past together by this new and changing present. As you get older, things make sense and through seeing gardens, it’s the medium by which I can measure out my world. And also the more that you learn about a culture and a civilization and a people, for the way they make gardens, the more you learn about yourself.” – Monty Don

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