Have you ever been in the middle of something when all of a sudden you’re flooded with memories of a loved one who’s past? Maybe it’s a scent that comes from across the room, maybe it’s a distant sound you hear, or maybe it’s just a thought that comes out of nowhere and sends you back to a time when you were together.
Last night, I had just that sensation.
My husband and I had just finished dinner with nearly a pound of crab legs still untouched. Neither one of us wanted to toss them, so I volunteered to pick the meat from the shells while he cleaned up. Another person would’ve probably chosen to wash the dishes, however I really didn’t mind.
I have vividly fond memories of my grandmother doing just that, sitting peacefully at a table in my aunt’s house picking crab meat, while the rest of the family buzzed around her… cleaning, prepping for dinner, chasing toddlers, what have you. She sat there in all her grey-haired, proper yet down-to-earth glory carving each morsel of meat from those crabs.
And they weren’t nice sized snow crabs or king crabs either. They were crabs we had caught right there off the dock on Wadmalaw Island. She’d mention every now and then that her hands were getting tired (and there did come a time when those sweet, motherly hands got too arthritic to do much of anything), but for the majority of my memories of her, she solely picked those crabs until the very end.
But as I sat last night picking crab meat and my husband cleaned the kitchen, my thoughts went to Tee as Pandora played in the background. The song Say by John Mayer came on, then Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran:
"I hope that I see the world as you did Cuz I know a life with love is a life that's been lived... You were an angel In the shape of my (grand)mum... And I know that when God took you back He said hallelujah, you're home."
You never really do get over the loss of a loved one. You just find a new “normal” in which to live without them.
I don’t know why her memory was brought back last night, but I do know I think of her often. And I’d like to believe that when I do, she’s not far away – looking in and smiling at all I’ve accomplished and become, and a lot of it because of her.
Tonight’s full moon is a powerful one – drawing thoughts and feelings out of me – guiding me to look at what I feel uneasy with – encouraging me to sit with it, feel it, and then (gently) release it.
As I do more and more internal work, I’m realizing I fear loss. I like (and need) alone time, however I don’t want to be alone in life. Which is crazy when you think about it, because I find myself drawing back from people, friends, not getting too close for fear of losing them one day.
I don’t know why I’m like this, but at least I’ve discovered it and can work on letting go of that fear. I don’t want to live in the fear of loss. I want to enjoy every minute there is to soak up with friends, family, my kids and husband.
So thank you, Full Moon, for revealing this to me. Even though it’s taken me years to see, your light has shown me what I’m uncomfortable with and, more importantly, has given me the energy and strength to process it and learn from it.
Goodnight Moon. And goodnight, my Angel Grandmother (Tee).