I’m a pretty guarded person, but yet for some reason I think people know a lot about me. But I may be wrong. In fact, I know I’m wrong. Not many people know the “real” me. I have a few close friends who know my ins and outs, some of whom I haven’t really spoken to in a long while but they still know me. (You know who you are. And thanks, by the way. Thanks for still loving me even though we don’t see each other like we used to. But that’s a whole other blog topic… )
So starting with the lighter side of things… for those of you who may not know me so well, here are those 10 things I keep guarded or don’t freely share for whatever reason:
1 – I would rather have a bowl of broccoli in front of me than a bowl of chocolate. I love broccoli. Insanely so. I don’t know what it is but I absolutely love it. Any way you cook it or not cook it too. Raw. Steamed. Boiled. Grilled. Sauteed. Fried. Hibachi-style. However.
2 – I am hooked on Grey’s Anatomy at the moment. My oldest daughter convinced me I should start watching it, so I did. And I love it. It’s one of the best shows I’ve seen in a while. Of course, I also love it because I can binge watch it on Netflix and not have to wait a week or so to find out what happens. And who else imagines Grey or Bailey being their doctor should something tragic happen?? Okay maybe that’s not normal… but this is a bean-spilling post of mine, so hang in there.
3 – Despite my “yoga every damn day” hashtags, I don’t do yoga every day. I wish I did, believe me. But some days, it’s nearly impossible to find the time. I do try to practice yoga off the mat as much as possible, especially the breathing and the mindset of not causing unnecessary harm. But when I can, I roll out my mat and practice the asana part of yoga. The feeling it gives me is sometimes beyond words. But then some days, I just breathe.
4 – I work so much better with music in the background. My main office at work is in the back corner of the building. It’s mostly away from others and quiet. I’m a surgical manager for a very busy ophthalmic practice, and there’s a lot of paperwork and emails to tend to. However, it drives me crazy to work in “silence”. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not really silent. There are patients going here and there, there are phones ringing, there are people in and out of my office regularly. But part of the clinic is filled with music, and I wish the rest of it was. Music has a beautiful way of relaxing the soul and turning on the concentration side of the brain, especially for me. In college, I always wrote papers with music playing in the background. (I’m writing this now, in fact, with music in my ears.)
5 – I never thought I’d be where I am today, career-wise. (Who else feels this way? I know I’m not alone.) I always thought I’d be a concert pianist or a marine biologist studying dolphins and whales or starfish and sea urchins. One of my daughters said something at the dinner table the other night that made me think… She insinuated that I felt stuck. And though I believe she’s wrong, I don’t feel stuck, for I still play the piano with great love (no need to be in front of an audience to love playing) and I still love studying and reading about marine mammals on my own time (they are truly a love of mine), I sometimes wish I was doing what I set out as a dream-filled college girl to do. I genuinely enjoy the patients I see every day (for the most part – some are just jerks – if you work in the medical field, you know what I mean), and I try to make the best of things. But I still have dreams and maybe one day I’ll publish that great novel that’s in my head. You never know. Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans, so they say.
6 – I have stopped my online advocacy for dolphins because it physically hurts me to watch the senseless killing that still goes on. That’s not a good thing, I know, letting go of the online advocacy. I need to keep spreading the word so that others discover what still goes on across the world. Maybe I’ll reach that one person who didn’t know, and they’ll change their mind about supporting dolphins in captivity and join the fight. But it makes me incredibly sad, feel helpless, and feel physically broken inside to hear about how they’re continually murdered and captured for human consumption and entertainment. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about and would like to, watch The Cove and Blackfish.)
7 – I don’t like big parties. I enjoy them because of the prelude of leading up, the excitement, the getting dressed, the baking (if I’m bringing something), the seeing all the people I love in one place, the catching up, the greetings and hugs. However, they’re exhausting to me. I much prefer one-on-one meetings or smaller gatherings. I crave in-depth, meaningful conversations, those conversations that reveal the heart of the person you’re talking to. And in crowded settings, I don’t feel comfortable enough to share personal tidbits for whomever to hear. And if I don’t share, most likely the person I’m talking to won’t either. If I share personal information with you, it’s because I feel safe, I trust you and am willing to open my heart to you. It’s just who I am. I’m an introvert who can enjoy about an hour of a busy party before it starts to take its toll on me. It has nothing to do with the people at the party. It’s the setting. So if you ever see me at a busy party, you’ll probably find me in a quieter section of the place:)
8 – I have a fear of losing everything. My husband. My kids. I have a fear of abandonment. I have to tell myself (over and over at times) that everything will be okay, that I will be okay regardless of what happens. I’m learning to live through that fear, but it still raises its ugly head every now and then.
9 – I grew up in an alcoholic family. Though I’m not ready to divulge the details of my childhood at the moment, I can tell you it was extremely hard. Children should never have to learn the hard facts of alcoholism at such young ages. But I learned from it and grew from it. I’m hoping I’m stronger for it, though at times it doesn’t feel that way. If you grew up in a similar situation, I understand you. And it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe and loved, and it wasn’t your fault.
10 – I have a difficult time hitting “publish” before reading and re-reading my posts multiple times. I am a perfectionist to a fault with certain things, like spelling and grammar. So, here and now, I promise to hit “publish” without obsessively proofreading this post or correcting any typos and/or poor grammar. This is it. This is me. (Okay… I may have proofread it once. Ah! I can’t help it. It’s the English major in me, haha.)