I’m writing tonight because I need to. I need this keyboard underneath my fingertips like I need the air in my lungs. Without it, I feel as if I’m grasping at everything, trying to move forward yet stuck in the moment.
I don’t know exactly how this keyboard will help me move forward, but at least I know it’ll help me through my thoughts. And lately… I’ve had quite a few.
This morning on my way into work, this song came on the radio:
Do you know it??
It’s by Skylar Grey. The lyrics and tone of her voice resonated with me today so strongly that they stuck in my head until my drive home tonight. I caught myself throughout the day humming the notes and singing under my breath as I moved from chart to chart and counseled patients on their upcoming surgeries.
“I’m coming home… tell the world I’m coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.”
And as I hummed and sang quietly, I realized I never fully got over having to leave teaching yoga full-time.
This is huge!
I’ve never admitted this, much less written it for all to see (who want to see it).
I’ve been putting on a mask to hide the hurt, the disappointment, the resentment I carry around somewhere inside of me every day. Some days it shows its ugly head more so than others. And yeah, I know it’s not healthy. But it’s there.
And it’s quite evident at times, too.
I’m less patient than I used to be. I’m more inclined to get upset and “blow off the handle”… so to speak. I see myself losing my temper more and becoming easily frustrated and worried.
Don’t get me wrong, I had these tendencies when I was teaching yoga full-time too. But they were fewer and farther between. I didn’t feel the tightness in my chest that I do now. I didn’t constantly worry about things that I have no control over like I do now.
But before you start feeling completely down for me (that’s certainly not the intent of these words), there are some positives that have come out of this time away from yoga studios… (yay! right?!)
I’ve learned to be less self-centered (yoga teachers can be quite that way – isn’t it ironic??), and…
I’ve learned to handle adversity off the mat with greater ease.
…So having had this time and awareness, I now feel it’s time to come home, but perhaps in a slightly different light –
I’d like to come home to the peace and fullness in my heart that was there when I was on my mat nearly everyday with my peers and students… but I’d also like to come home with a fresh sense of the needs and sensitivities of others while still caring after mine.
I’d like to come home to the feeling that everything will be okay, no matter what (trust the process) that I once carried with me in greater abundance, but I’d also like to come home with the ability to handle stress off the mat just like I do while on it.
So for now… this is hOMe.
Life is all about learning from your mistakes. That I have done. And that I am still doing.
Maybe I’ll teach yoga again… I certainly do hope so. But for now, I’ll just come hOMe to that state of mind – here, where I am, and share with others the essence of “yoga off the mat,” being at peace with where you are at the moment and having what it takes to try to move forward – however small your steps are.
(Sometimes we have to take a step or two backward to move forward again.)
Wishing you the best,